I personally have never been a child of divorce or separation. My parents were never together as I grew up and that was normal to me. I do however have a nephew who is two going through a separation and a brutal custody battle between his mom and dad. Since the start of this battle I have been paying close attention to his attitudes, his behaviors, and his actions since things have started. Although he is only two and does not know what is really going on, I can tell that he has a sense of some kind of tension between his parents.
With that said I decided to make this blog on children of divorce and how it affects them as well as both the mom and dad. It has always been said that a child who goes through a divorce they will suffer from depression, failing grades and acting out. This is not ALL true now today. Research has shown that if both parents separate their divorce from the well being of their child that the child will most likely still feel loved and do well in life as oppose to those parents who are putting their divorce first and the well being of their child second. This is a website all on the psychological and Emotional aspects of divorce of children and the families. It has some recent and good statistics on many different aspects. It also breaks down the emotional stages of divorce the child is most likely to go through as well as the parents.
I found this website to be very beneficial and it brought new knowledge to me that I did not know or understand before. I hope this blog brings about good discussion and other people's points of view.
http://www.mediate.com/articles/Psych.cfm
I was fortunate enough to never have to watch (and deal with) my parents divorce, in fact March 26th will be their 46th anniversary. I had seen them get into heated fights when I was younger which could/may affect my future relationships - mostly on how not to operate in certain situations - which is a good thing to "know". In that regard I can somewhat relate to parts of the article that discussed the emotional components of what a developing child would go through. I believe it is very important for a person to have a good solid relationship with their mom, as well as their dad. I feel that through growing up the 4th of 4 children, my parents altered their parenting skills over the years in order to keep their sanity, along with staying married.
Right now, I am babysitting two kids ages 7 and 3 and their parents are going through a divorce at the moment. Their father just moved out earlier this year and their mother is working and going back to school to get her degree. I have noticed that the 3 year old, a boy, has become more aggressive and defiant at home and at his daycare, where I also work at. He has started to fight with the other kids at daycare by pushing and hitting them. He doesn't get to see his dad very much, and I think that has a lot to do with his attitude. The 7 year old, a girl, has had a change in attitude as well. She has been arguing more and has started to lie about doing her homework. Because their parents work during the day, the kids stay at school and daycare from 7:15 in the morning to 5:30 at night. A lot of other parents do the same thing with their children, but most of them have two parents to come home to. The kids I babysit usually go home with their mom, who is tired from working all day and has homework to do when they get home, as well as making dinner, helping with the girl's homework, and getting them ready for bed.
While reading this article, I noticed the part about how each child reacts differently with a divorce. I did not realize that boys usually react worse than girls do, which would make sense in my situation. This article was really helpful and now I can try and help the kids deal with the divorce.
My parents have been divorced for about 4 years now. It was the summer of 2006 when it happened, and I was going to be a junior in high school the following fall. Since I was 16 years old, my parents didn't have to go through the messy custody battle, as I got to chose who I wanted to live with. I ended up living with my mom, and I visted my dad whenever he wasn't working, usually weekends. Going through a divorce, I think, is a lot harder than most people think it is. Parents fight for attention through you, and if one parent feels left out, the can get mad. I try to even out my time with my parents as much as possible, but sometimes it gets hard. During the holidays is hard also because you have to balance out your time with each side of the family. I always felt bad if I thought I was giving one parent more attention that the other, but now that I'm older and more experienced with the situaion, I feel that they understand, and I also understand their situation with me better as well.
Divorce also has it upsides as well. For example, if one parent is getting on your nerves, you have the option of going to the other's house. You get to attend 2 christmases every year, which is always a bonus. For me, I use guilt:) If my dad gives me money or something and my mom won't, I'll usually be like, "well dad gave me money..." and then she usually gives in:) Now that I'm older, I'm over it and I can understand why they did it. My parents never tried to blame the divorce on one or the other, so I was fortunate in that aspect because I didn't feel I had to chose one over the other.
Going through a divorce can be a tough thing to do, but if you surround yourself with the right people, anyone can over come it.
My parents got divorced before I even remember, so for me, a lot of the negative aspects that often follow divorce are not true since I basically grew up in these circumstances.
Luckily for me, my parents have always been civil. I don't remember a lot from when they got divorced, but from what I do remember, my parents have become a lot better at being civil with one another.
Unlike most children, I actually lived with my dad. I am not really sure why, nor do I really care...it's in the past. My dad lived in the town I went to school in so it was nice I didn't have to switch schools. If I did have to switch schools, I think that the transition to life after divorce would have been more difficult.
My brother (2 years older than me) and I had similar visitation hours outlined on the website. We went to our mom's house every other weekend and ever Wednesday after school. We also split holidays with out parents, so one year we would spend Christmas with our dad, the next with our Mom, etc. (You do get double the presents! :D) My brother and I were both really involved in athletics and other extracurricular activities, so once we hit middle school, especially high school, visitation got a little more messy. We were often times busy, but thankfully both of my parents were really good about it and we would go to mom's once a week regardless if it wasn't a Wednesday.
Now though, my brother and I kind of do what we want. Both of our parents' houses are always open for us when we want to go there, but I usually stay at my mom's and my brother stays at my dad's. I stayed there this summer because I took summer classes at the community college in the town where my mom lives so it was easier, and my brother worked construction in the town that my dad lives in. I generally like to be around my mom more (my dad can get on my nerves a little, and I get on his too), so I don't go to my dad's often which makes me feel guilty, but it feels better knowing my brother is there. My dad also keeps really busy reffing and umping sporting events especially during the summer, so I see him whenever he isn't busy.
Although most of my experience with divorce is positive, there were/are some negatives. When I was in middle school, I sometimes didn't go to sleepovers, parties, etc. that my friends had because it was my weekend to see my mom. Generally, if I knew about the parties and things in advance we would switch weekends, but sometimes things are just spur of the moment. My mom got remarried awhile ago but my dad isn't remarried (opposite of the statistics where men remarry quicker than women). My dad was dating this one lady and she moved in with us...and I hated her so it was a bad situation. My dad, brother, and I like to play card games, board games, you name it, and my dad's girlfriend never wanted to do anything with us, which really annoyed me. My mom's husband is very active in our lives, which set a high standard for my dad's ex-girlfriend thing. Needless to say, she didn't live up to my criteria. My dad knew I didn't like her, and so did she, but she continued living with us for awhile. I developed anxiety around that same time...I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, but I'm pretty sure it was her. I got prescribed medicine for anxiety probably four years ago, and I still have it today, but it is a lot more mild than it used to be. Luckily, my dad says he is now "too busy for women"...gotta love him!
One good thing that has come out of the divorce is tuition assistance from my parents. When they got divorced, Iowa law stated that my mom had to pay a third of my college tuition, my dad had to pay a third, and I pay a third. When filling out the FAFSA, it is only required that financial information from the parent you are living with is used when determining how much you will have to pay, so I get a lot of grants which helps a lot. My dad grew up with 7 siblings in a household where they had to buy all of their own stuff (car, etc.), so without my parents getting divorced, he probably would have never helped my financially with school. My mom also pays child support, which since my brother and I are both in college, she sends the courthouse a check for my dad because it is required by law, he rips it up, and then my mom sends my brother and I check directly.
When I got older, I really started to realize that divorce was the best option for my parents, and I am not resentful at all. Even though I realize it was a good option for them, I find myself telling myself that I never want to go through a divorce. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we both want to get married someday, but before I commit to a long-term relationship, I find myself taking precautions now so that hopefully I won't have to go through a divorce someday.
Divorce is one of those issues that can be both positive and negative. Through my own experience and knowing of friends' experiences, it is a lot easier on the children if the parents getting divorced do whatever it takes to get along for the sake of the children. So like I said, I was very fortunate given the circumstances and what could have happened!
My parents have never been divorced, but they have come close a couple of times. My parents have gotten into some really heated arguments around me. When I hear my parents fight like that, especially when I was younger and even now, it really affects me. It makes me question marriage and just makes me depressed and not myself for a couple of days. Divorce can be hard at any age. My friend from high school, her parents got divorced our junior year and she took it really hard. She actually had to have some counseling for a while to help her cope with it. I actually babysit some kids during the summer and their parents got divorced last year. The kids seemed to cope with it really well on the surface, but the boys were acting out more and breaking the rules (house rules). The little girl became very clingy and she actually blamed her mom for the divorce. I know that parents did everything they could to keep the divorce civil and they still talk and are nice to each other, which helped with the whole ordeal, but I know the kids took it really hard. I think that kids took the new relationships even harder. The day just started dating someone and the little girl has been acting out. Divorce is never a good thing and it affects children on many levels and in different ways, but sometime divorce is the best way to go especially when the parents are fighting all the time. I was fortunate enough to ever have to experience a divorce, but I have seen how divorce affects the people that I know.
I guess I lucked out when my parents divorced. It was fairly clean and straight forward, no long drawn out fights, not custody battle from hell. They made sure that it was clear the divorce was not about me. I really didn't act out much over it. I was a little depressed that my Dad wasn't around as much anymore, but honestly anyone would be and I got over once we settled into the visitation schedule. I think you are right that as long as the parents make sure to put their child first instead of their divorce things will work out all right for the child. I also, however understand that doing that is harder then it seems, a divorce is something that is a bit hard to put on the back burner even for the most devoted parent.
I like this post because the way in which you approached the issue. You demonstrated your sensitivity to those affected by divorce, and articulated an authentic sense of empathy. On the other hand, you also used your knowledge as a scientist to highlight some of the positive research findings that have been recorded in recent years. This is a big part of the value of psychology, learning about a deficiency, deviance, or disorder, and developing an intervention or treatment for it.
As a child of divorced parents I know that negative affects occur, but positive outcomes are not impossible. My parents always demonstrated to me and my siblings that we were the most important element in their lives. My mom re-married to an incredible man, and I am truly lucky to have two strong and caring men in my life. Today, I can't imagine only having one of them in my life, as they have each had a profound impact on my life. While I know that my family still carries remnants of the fallout of divorce, the end result is a happy one.