Recently in Dating Behaviors Category

In our society social networking is booming. The rate at which people are creating facebook, MySpace, twitter accounts, and profiles on dating site are enormous. Just the other day my grandmother asked me what twitter was (never did I think I'd hear those words out of my 85 year old grandmother). However, this obsession with the internet and new social networking site makes me ask the question; are they good?  Are we cheating ourselves of out getting to know someone the way out parents and grandparents did? Are we losing social skill that we have taken so long to develop?

            I am sure that everyone can think of someone they know who has met someone on a dating site that has resulted in a successful relationship and marriage.  Personally I do not feel as though there is anything wrong with that.  With women going into the work world and getting higher educations and people no long live in a 100 miles radus of where they grew up there is a definite need for a social network in order to meet people outside of your workplace. But part of me wonders if this new social networking phenomena is just the next step in dating or is it unnatural to find and select a mate online. What do you think?

 

Below are articles that are of positive and negative experiences with dating site. Take a look at them and tell me what you think...

 

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,396461,00.html

 

 

Mothers shares successful experience with online dating

http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/datingexperiences/11-online-dating-experience.html

As many of you probably already know (unless you don't keep up with people.com), Sandra Bullock caught her husband, Jesse James, cheating on her with multiple women.  This first came out as only one woman, but many other women have taken it upon themselves and come out with additional related stories (much like Tiger Woods but not to that extent).  I found this whole situation really interesting because of the past of Jesse James.  

This website is a common theme for my posts, but I really enjoy it's variety of topics about relationships and what not to do.

 

At www.askmen.com, I found an article about mistakes people make during their first conversations.  Everyone needs a source of intimacy and relatedness, and I feel that these are two very strong motivators for being in a relationship.  Also, sex can be a strong motivator.  How many people can look at a movie start like Megan Fox (or for the ladies, Channing Tatum) and not think, "Damn. Yes please!!!!"

 

I think that the intensity that these motivators create can be blamed for most mistakes with the awkward first conversation.  The drive to succeed with an opening conversation can lead to becoming nervous.  Your heart will rate, you'll begin to sweat, and then worry if you smell or not.  These nerves can lead to several of these "faux pas".

 

1)    Talking about exes.  They're in the past.  Let's leave them there. As the article says, the first conversation should be fun.  It should leave her interested in you.  Make a few corny jokes.  It will show her that you're light-hearted.

2)    Talking about money.  At this place in our lives, most of us are POOR! We're in college.  If you're both poor, great.  But if you're rich and they're poor, you'll create jealousy.  Not a good way to start something. Also, you'll seem arrogant, and she will be wondering why you're not on "Jersey Shore"

3)    Flirting too much.  Coming on too strong, by being too flirty, is just as bad as being standoffish.  By being sincere, you'll stand out by being original.  (Here's a tip: this is how you get the "okay" from her friends, too.) Just be real with her, and she's bound to be slightly interested in you.

4)    LISTEN!!! Ask her about herself - people generally enjoy talking about themselves - then just relate it back to yourself. Making a conversation with someone involves effort. If you're not going to put any into the first conversation, why would she expect you to put any into a relationship?  And how are you any different from the other hundred guys who have showed interest in her that same night?  Again, this will make you stand out.

5)    Leave her wanting more.  This will sound a little odd, but stop the conversation early.  Stop at a high of the conversation - not when you're looking for a new topic.  She will definitely be interested in talking to you again after this.

 

Obviously this article is geared as advice towards men.  But women, what do you think about this?  What do you agree with / disagree with.  Do you really think that any or all of this will lead to a fulfilling relationship or is this just a load of crap?

 

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_300/378_5-first-conversation-mistakes.html

I chose this article because it explains the physiology behind one of my favorite past times: kissing / making out.  I was goofing around on the web the other day and through digg.com (great website - go to it!) I found the website below.  It's an article called "Why We Kiss: the Science of Sex." It's fascinating, so I wanted to share this article with you.

 

The article explains that although the use of pheromones to create attraction is thought to not work for humans, chemicals are still used in communication.  The article outlines how women are more attracted to the scent of a man who can help them to produce healthier children.  It also explains that twice as many adults turn their head to the right than the left while kissing.  (You're all thinking about which side you prefer, aren't you?)

 

Another cool topic covered by the site is that men and women see kissing differently.  Most women would never have sex with someone without kissing them first but most men would.  And men are more likely to initiate French kissing because saliva contains testosterone, and testosterone can increase arousal.  Indications show that men can also gauge the amount of estrogen a woman has (indicator of fertility) via this method.

 

However, the most fascinating part of the article (for me) was kissing's effects upon hormone levels.  In general, kissing releases a ton of hormones that make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but the site focuses on the levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and oxytocin (the bonding hormone).  In long-term relationships, cortisol levels dropped after kissing. And oxytocin levels increased ONLY in the males.  My girlfriend wasn't too happy to hear this, but I now understand partly why I enjoy kissing so much.

 

During a quick search for more information, I found the other link.  At howstuffworks.com, they have a lot of information about how kissing works, its history, effects, and the anatomy of a kiss. It also includes more information on kissing's effects upon dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline, too.

 

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22081/76045-kiss--science-sex

 

http://people.howstuffworks.com/kissing.htm

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/secrets-women-keep-0308?click=pp

This article was about what girls should keep from their significant others.  I thought it was interesting because I work in a shoe department and a lot of women always tell me they are going to be in trouble when they get home.  Some will even tell me to throw away the boxes because it will make it easier to sneak in the new shoes.  I know that men get uptight about it but I don't quite understand it, especially if you aren't married and sharing an income.  Why do you care what shoes or things I buy?  Do you think about the future and that we will waste money on "unnecessary things" in your mind?  Although a lot of us women don't think a 60 inch TV is necessary.  Another question I have is, if you want us to like your gift, why must you get something we didn't ask for?  We don't always want jewelry!   
The top five things to keep from your sweetie were:
1. Past Hookups
2. How you spend your money
3. The way you feel about his family
4. Innocent Flirtations
5. What you really think of his gift

Some people in the world around me have had friends of friends, or just friends experience some sort of dating violence recently. For me this is a really touchy subject and something that I care deeply about, and am still trying to learn more about as well. I am Vice-President of the student organization here at UNI called Students Against A Violent Environment (S.A.V.E.) and we strive to educate others on violence, including dating violence. Now, of course when these situations occur I know all the "right" things to say like "You should not stay in this relationship" "You need to leave the home/apartment" "Here are the hotlines you can call for help" "It will happen again" and the list seems to get longer. However, these phrases all seem so empty, since I don't fully understand reasons as to WHY a person would want to stay in an abusive relationship. So, I decided to look this up. I was looking for more research-based evidence, however, every article I wished to look at, the Rod Library did not have access to, and so I became frustrated. So, I went a different route and looked at advocacy websites, and others.  The one website I found to be the most clear is Advocacy Center: Domestic and Dating Violence.

This website not only reassured me that it was alright that I did not understand why a victim stays in an abusive relationship, it also went on to explain some reasons as to why victims stay. Fear is a motivator to stay because victims are so often threatened that they are scared to see what will happen when they do leave. This could not only be fear for themselves, but for others they care about such as children, family, pets, or friends. Victims could have low self-esteem due to various mind games and "put downs" for lack of a better term that would make the victims feel as though the abuse was actually their fault. Financial issues always arise, and the victims may depend on the abuser for income, and if the victim decide to leave, then the victim will fear they will not be able to support themselves. This fear of not being able to leave because of financial reasons escalates when there are children involved. The website makes a point to state that when chidlren are involved in the situation is different from an abusive environment without children.
The website continues to state that victims may believe that if they do what the abuser wants then they will be able to control the situation, or victims even hope the abuser will change themselves. It is also hard when victims do not have the support they need from friends or families, and don't know that help is available.
This website helped me to understand a little more about WHY a person would stay in an abusive relationship. However I would be interested in finding out more scientific based research. For instance, is there biological factor that plays a role, or is it purely psychological? Also, from an advocate standpoint, is their enough news, or advertisement on these issues?


So, being the advocate myself, I will add some links that are available here in our community for anyone who may be in an abusive relationship, or for those of you who may know someone who is and are wanting to help them get some assistance.

Seeds of Hope Iowa
http://www.seedsofhopeiowa.com/

UNI's Violence and Intervention Services
http://www.uni.edu/wellrec/wellness/sexualabuse/