Recently in Love Category

As many of you probably already know (unless you don't keep up with people.com), Sandra Bullock caught her husband, Jesse James, cheating on her with multiple women.  This first came out as only one woman, but many other women have taken it upon themselves and come out with additional related stories (much like Tiger Woods but not to that extent).  I found this whole situation really interesting because of the past of Jesse James.  

This article talks about Two Ways To Be a Happier Parent. It's a sociologists perspective on being a parent and dealing with the stressful times. According to her it comes down to two questions:

1. When are you happiest with your kids?

2. What part of the normal day with your family routinely causes suffering?

She goes on to give a specific example she dealt with personally, and she explains how she changed their routine as a family to decrease the stress levels in their household.

I think parenting is one of the hardest things to do in life, so it is helpful to have any tips. While reading how the sociologist adjusted her family's mornings it seemed a little too military like. If it works than maybe that's all that matters. I just don't know if I liked her approach.

I found this article on how to know if a guy is "Mr Right" and I think that the points made are pretty good. They are things that would be red flags to me that a relationship is not going to be compatible. The first point is one that I think is important, if your friends approve of him. I think this is important because they know you very well and can sometimes so things that you are unwilling to see in a relationship. The second is that he gets along with your family, because it is going to be hard to be in a relationship with someone if they do not get along with such an important part of your life. Number three was if he listens to you, which I thought was a pretty obvious one. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to them? Number four is if you share most of the same major values; I think this will just make a relationship easier, but not necessarily be a deal breaker. Numbers five and six are that he is someone you would be friends with and he is trustworthy. These also seem pretty obvious to me. Number seven on the list is he makes you feel special, I think this is important. Having that spark in a relationship and getting that good feeling from a person is important in keeping things fun and fresh, especially in a long term relationship. The eight point is if he is willing to talk about the future. This is important to me eventually, because in the end almost everyone is looking for their future "perfect" person. Number nine is finding a partner who is financially secure. I am not so sure about this point. It would be nice to find someone who is secure, but if everything else works with the person I would not write them off because of financial reasons. The last one is that he loves you for who you are. Overall this article seemed pretty good, and I think it could apply to both sexes as things to look for in a partner.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/is-he-the-one-10-signs-to-tell-if-he-s-mr-right-1032610/

I found this article that defines 11 things that can kill intimacy.  Our book gives several different angles as to how to look at intimacy.  In one part intimacy is gained by social motivation to engage in warm, close and positive interpersonal relations, without any fear of rejection.  There is also a willingness to "experience a warm, close and communicative exchange with another person" (McAdams, 1980).

The following are the 11 items that can kill intimacy and those should be avoided in all relationship types from friendships to marriage. Dishonesty and silence, lack of trust, desire to change people, inability to express your needs and feelings, not listening, self centeredness, lack of respect, imbalance of power, unhealthy arguments, absence of touch, and extreme separateness.

Some people have a higher need for intimacy than others, but no matter what your level of intimacy those 11 items can kill a relationship.  Intimacy is not something that just happens; it is something that has to be worked on and can be ever changing and evolving.  If someone is willing to put the time and effort into a relationship they are more than likely going to have great returns from that relationship.  I am also sure there are other things that can be detrimental to the stability of a relationship, but I do think that these 11 are especially important to avoid if you do want a long last relationship.  Any one of them on their own could deflate a relationship and a combination of them would likely end the relationship.

The article can be found at http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Radun29.html

I know a lot of people especially girls want to get married someday, and want to find their true love so I researched what motivates us to find true love and found this article which I found very interesting.

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/independent-woman/love-sex/how-to-find-true-love-2051038.html

Helen Fisher the women who dedicates most of her life on How to find true love believes there are four personality types.

"all of us conform to one of four personality types, which are controlled by different chemicals in the brain. These chemicals mould us, and cause us to be attracted to people who complement our personality types (see panel). There is the Explorer, a sensation seeker ruled by dopamine; the Builder, a respecter of authority driven by serotonin; the Director, analytical and ruled by testosterone; and the Negotiator, intuitive and fired by oestrogen. Negotiators need to connect with others on a deeply personal level, are very trusting and good at talking."

What personality type are you? and if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend are they compatible with you according to Helen Fisher?

I got a puppy last summer, and it has been the most fun, loving, and rewarding experience I have ever had!  My mom actually read this book (100 Simple Secrets Why Dogs Make Us Happy: The Science Behind What Dog Lovers Already Know) and recommended I looked at it.  As I was glancing through the pages, it was really funny how much sense the book actually made.  Having a dog gives us a sense of belonging, love, companionship, and even achievement (when training and raising a dog).  Dogs also provide a constant motivator to get off the couch and play or go for a walk (for me at least).  I know that I also feel obligated to her to make sure that she is healthy and happy, which also fulfils my affiliation need. Although this is generally intended towards humans, I think that someone can definitely benefit from having a dog.  I have also learned in past classes that many therapists recommend getting a pet to their patients of depression or anxiety disorders.  Pets provide a sense of stability, and also can provide and endless amount of love and friendship. 

Having a dog can fulfill many of our psychological needs.  When training a dog, it presents a challenge to be overcome. Our desire to do well in training our dog can fulfill the need for achievement (Reeve, 175).  Succeeding in training your dog can be the most rewarding experience, creating a large amount of positive reinforcement and increasing the likelihood you will continue to train the dog.  Setting goals in training can also increase motivation to continue training (Reeve, 184). Having things in mind such as "I'll have my dog potty trained by the fall" can increase your motivation to work with your dog.  When your dog starts to understand the training techniques, it reinforces your behavior and increases the sense of achievement.

Another area were having a dog can fulfill psychological needs is affiliation and intimacy (Reeve, 192).  Establishing a good relationship with your dog can be very rewarding.  Dogs can provide constant, unconditional love when they have a strong bond with their owner.  Although affiliation is rooted within the fear of rejection, affiliation with your dog can start to calm those anxieties and create a more relationship oriented life style.  Dogs are also less likely to reject their owners, so someone with a high need for affiliation would likely have a good relationship with a dog.

The need for power may also be accomplished through owning a dog.  The leadership (Reeve, 196) that it takes to own a dog is crucial in training and maintaining a healthy pet.  Teaching the dog things that they can and cannot do is something that can create a very power-related relationship between the owner and the dog.  Dogs see everything as a power-related situation (this is why many times dogs can have problems with aggression if they feel they have power over the house or over other people, in the dog world it is referred to as "dominance") It is the responsibility of the owner to make sure that the power does not shift from the owner to the dog, or serious aggression and misbehavior problems can occur. With the power safely in the owner's hands, the relationship between dog and owner can be a very positive one.

The book also discusses how people with pets tend to live longer, happier lives than those who choose to live pet-free.  Here is a description of the book, which touches on many of the things that we have discussed in class (such as exercise to reduce stress, as well as communication).

From Harper Collins.com:

"Why do people who have dogs live happier, longer, and more fulfilling lives? Sociologists and veterinarians have spent years investigating the positive effects that dogs have on people's health and happiness yet their findings are inaccessible to ordinary people, hidden in obscure journals to be shared with other experts.

Now the international bestselling author of the 100 Simple Secrets series has collected the most current and significant data from more than a thousand of the best scientific studies on the profound relationship between humans and our canine companions. These findings have been boiled down to the one hundred essential ways dogs positively impact our lives. Each fact is accompanied by a inspiring true story. If you love your dog, and science tells us that you do, this book will inspire and entertain.

·  Communicate Better: It sounds odd to say a creature that communicates with barking and body language can have such a profound effect on human communication. But by providing a common point of reference and concern, dogs help us to feel a connection to other humans. That connection makes us feel more comfortable communicating with each other. When meeting a new person, the presence of a dog reduces the time before people feel comfortable while talking with each other by 45 percent.

·  Live Longer: There is perhaps no better gift that dogs offer us humans than this simple fact. People who care for a dog live longer, healthier lives than those who do not. On average, people who cared for dogs during their lives lived 3 years longer than people who never had a dog.

·  No Monkey Business: Primates are genetically more similar to humans than any other creature. But try to tell a chimpanzee something and you will be hard pressed to get your message across. Dogs are uniquely attuned to the messages we send. Dogs study humans and have evolved to build social skills that help them to function around us. Dogs are 52 percent more likely to follow human cues such as pointing toward a source of food than are primates.

·  Around the Block: Good habits are often misunderstood as difficult or unpleasant chores. But there is tremendous value in the simple act of taking a walk. Walking not only burns calories, it also decreases stress. Having a dog means regularly talking walks - it's something you do for your dog but in truth your dog is doing for you. Dog owners walk 79 percent farther in an average week than non-dog owners."

Are there other ways that dogs can help fulfill our needs?  Is it selfish to think this way? What are some other motivators that people may have to own a dog, or any pet?

A few summers ago, I had the opportunity to intern in Denver, Colorado at an organization called TASC.  TASC is a diversionary program for juvenile delinquents.  Here, I came into contact with numerous individuals - the majority of whom were involved in gangs.  This is also when I became more interested in gang involvement, especially among adolescents.

I chose this article because it explains the physiology behind one of my favorite past times: kissing / making out.  I was goofing around on the web the other day and through digg.com (great website - go to it!) I found the website below.  It's an article called "Why We Kiss: the Science of Sex." It's fascinating, so I wanted to share this article with you.

 

The article explains that although the use of pheromones to create attraction is thought to not work for humans, chemicals are still used in communication.  The article outlines how women are more attracted to the scent of a man who can help them to produce healthier children.  It also explains that twice as many adults turn their head to the right than the left while kissing.  (You're all thinking about which side you prefer, aren't you?)

 

Another cool topic covered by the site is that men and women see kissing differently.  Most women would never have sex with someone without kissing them first but most men would.  And men are more likely to initiate French kissing because saliva contains testosterone, and testosterone can increase arousal.  Indications show that men can also gauge the amount of estrogen a woman has (indicator of fertility) via this method.

 

However, the most fascinating part of the article (for me) was kissing's effects upon hormone levels.  In general, kissing releases a ton of hormones that make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but the site focuses on the levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and oxytocin (the bonding hormone).  In long-term relationships, cortisol levels dropped after kissing. And oxytocin levels increased ONLY in the males.  My girlfriend wasn't too happy to hear this, but I now understand partly why I enjoy kissing so much.

 

During a quick search for more information, I found the other link.  At howstuffworks.com, they have a lot of information about how kissing works, its history, effects, and the anatomy of a kiss. It also includes more information on kissing's effects upon dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline, too.

 

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22081/76045-kiss--science-sex

 

http://people.howstuffworks.com/kissing.htm

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/secrets-women-keep-0308?click=pp

This article was about what girls should keep from their significant others.  I thought it was interesting because I work in a shoe department and a lot of women always tell me they are going to be in trouble when they get home.  Some will even tell me to throw away the boxes because it will make it easier to sneak in the new shoes.  I know that men get uptight about it but I don't quite understand it, especially if you aren't married and sharing an income.  Why do you care what shoes or things I buy?  Do you think about the future and that we will waste money on "unnecessary things" in your mind?  Although a lot of us women don't think a 60 inch TV is necessary.  Another question I have is, if you want us to like your gift, why must you get something we didn't ask for?  We don't always want jewelry!   
The top five things to keep from your sweetie were:
1. Past Hookups
2. How you spend your money
3. The way you feel about his family
4. Innocent Flirtations
5. What you really think of his gift

This author proposes different types and elements of love based on different theories from past psychologists.  It talks about how there are two different kinds of love, compassionate love and passionate love.  Most people ideally should find a balance between the two, although it is rare. 

Another theory talked about styles of loving as listed below -
Three primary styles:  1. Eros - Loving an ideal person, 2. Ludos - Love as a game, 3. Storge - Love as friendship
Three secondary styles:  1. Mania (Eros + Ludos) - Obsessive love, 2. Pragma (Ludos + Storge) - Realistic and practical love, 3. Agape (Eros + Storge) - Selfless love.

All of the theories talks about different levels of love and how people cling to each other based on these aspects.  Love and intimacy are a part of the social needs of a person.  Attached in the article is a questionnaire to assess attitudes about others and found that these scales of liking and loving provided support for conception of love. 

http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/theoriesoflove.htm