People Need Due 10/18 @ midnight

My experience reading the secrets on postsecret.com was one of sadness more than anything. Holding in secrets is such a horrible thing to do and it seems devastating that some of these secrets can't be reversed or altered; that is their life some here on out and its claustrophobic. It makes me think about all the things I've been holding in and how I can let them out to free myself from them. One of the secrets that was particularly moving to me said “I'm afraid that if you stop doing drugs you'll realize that you're insane to be with me.” I feel that this person has such a high need for relatedness that she feels that at any moment this relationship in which she depends on above most things could slip away from her. You see this by the fact that she would prefer he stay on drugs and love her like he does rather than get clean and see her as something else. Her self-efficacy as left her thinking that the only way to perform effectively for the man she loves is to not help him succeed in getting off drugs. Not to say she is trying to thwart him, but her fear that she will not add up to expectation has left her being submissive to the things that she would need to do for him, an emotional deficit.
Another one of the secrets reads “I do not feel as free as they tell me I am.” This person is struggling with a need for autonomy. It seems that their need for it is not being met and they are more and more feel like they have no control over what is in their life. Based on the American flag I am proposing that they feel they are being lied to by the government and that they are realizing that even though this may be a democracy, they feel like a drop of water in an ocean. This feeling allows for a high need for autonomy because everyone wants to feel like they have control other the decisions they make the the decisions made in their proxy.
The secret that had the most profound effect on me said “I loved giving birth but I hate being a mother.” This woman is suffering from postpartum depression but I feel like it is because she no longer has as much autonomy; she no longer thinks about herself but she has to think about someone else as well. From that moment on she must be responsibly and hand over a great amount of control for her own needs to her child’s. She also probably feels like she is not competent enough to be raising a child. The responsibility and they way she has been handling it has revealed to her that she is not cut out for the duty of being a mother and a provider. Also, and I think this may be the biggest one, she failed to make an intimate connection with the child.. This can happen where the mother just cannot seem to develop the maternal feelings that it takes in order to be a kind and nurturing mother. This is very profound for me because these are all the reasons I don't ever want kids. I am afraid of the responsibility, I don't think I could take care of a child and I don't think I could show that much affection to any living thing.

I browsed the website onesentence.org. I was surprised to find out that most of the posts were depressing rather than funny. I think that this website is a good way for people to honestly talk about how they feel that they can't share with anyone else. It allows people to be truthful without worrying about being judged by others. There were several sentences about rape and death of a loved one. These are rough topics that some people have not experienced. I was amazed to see that thousands of people have rated some of the most popular posts. It is clear this is a website is very successful. It is a place where people can relate to an unknown face or perhaps browse the posts for purely entertainment purposes.
I spent most of my time browsing the most popular posts of all time. One that I came across was "I couldn't bear to tell the girl I loved that I was only dreaming and that she was merely a figment of my imagination, so I kissed her, and as the world lost its color, I slowly woke up." This post is telling that this guy is lacking relatedness and intimacy with a significant other. He has strong desire to love someone, but unfortunately the only place where he has found this connection is in his dreams. Another post that I read was "Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero." This is another example of relatedness. Going through cancer is not easy, and it can be really hard on a girls when they lose their hair and they can see that they are different than other "healthy" people. The person that posted this sentence is sharing how someone also shaved their head so that their mom would not be alone.

I browsed around PostSecret and did get addicted. Each post made you want to keep reading and keep reading to see if the next one would top the one before it. The emotion that I found myself feeling the majority of the time was shock. Although there were some that made me laugh and sad, I would say the majority of them made my jaw drop. I think this is a great site and resource for people to use! Keeping a secret is a horrible thing to do. I would like to think that this site helps people get their needs satisfied.
A couple of the posts really caught my attention. Such as: “You know that thing your fiancé just started asking you to do in bed? I taught him about that. Have a lovely marriage!” and “I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with and a friend to talk to about it.” These two posts are the same in the way of I think both of these individuals are not getting their need for relatedness fulfilled. The book describes relatedness as forming and maintaining close relationships with other. It is obvious to me that the first individual is lacking relatedness in his/her relationship due to him/her cheating on their fiancé. This individual that cheated must feel as if they do not have a close bond with their fiancé otherwise they wouldn’t feel the desire to wander. However, it is clear to me that the individual that is cheating feels as if they have autonomy as they are clearly trying out all of their options. The book describes autonomy as the control one has over the situation at hand. The second individual is clearly lacking relatedness because it seems as if he/she does not have anyone at all. She may be not fulfilling her need for relatedness, meaning she doesn’t feel as if she belongs. The other post that caught my attention was ‘I do not feel as free as they tell me I am’. I believe this post really shows the need for autonomy. Just from this one sentence I can tell that this individual is not having their need for autonomy met. It’s obvious that this individual feels trapped and as if they do not have control over their life. Going off of the American flag they put as the background, it seems as if they feel as if the government is controlling their decisions.

I browsed around both the PostSecret website and the One Sentence website. Both were very interesting websites. They reminded me a lot of twitter or facebook statuses. People that are just expressing their lives on the internet for everyone to see. The difference between these sites and twitter are that they are all anonymous. There were a lot of funny postings that I came across but there were also extremely sad post’s that I don’t think people would share on twitter. These two websites are places where people can express how they feel and share with other people that they don’t know what they are going through. A lot of times it’s nice to write down your feelings rather than speaking them out loud. I will be browsing these websites probably quite often because as you said, it is addicting. You can rate the posts which probably makes people want to share their feelings even more to know how they will get rated. This is a site where you can share absolutely anything you want and it doesn’t matter. You can talk about the death of a loved one and share how that process is going, you can talk about the neighbor you can’t stand, or talk about something funny that happened at work.

One post I thought was really different was one from One Sentence- “The day our Uncle was crushed by a forty foot machine, my mother and brother could not stop discussing how cool it would be if he came back as a zombie while looking at his body and making arrangements for it at the funeral home”. This was a post about death, yet it is supposed to be funny. This could possibly be associated with the psychological need for relatedness because they are discussing death which happens in life and they are all trying to be light hearted about it to deal with their pain. A post I found from PostSecret was, “I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with, and a friend to talk to about it”. When I first read this I thought it was immoral but as I read it again I realized that this person just wants people in their lives to associate with. They see other people having good times with friends and in their intimate relationships but they don’t have that. Many people who do have those things believe that isn’t enough so they have to have a lover on the side as well. This person just wants relationships. This sentence could be associated with affiliation because they want to have those people in their lives to share things with. It could also be associated with intimacy because they want to have love in their lives with friends/family/intimate relationships. Obviously this person currently doesn’t have those things. Another one that I found from One Sentence was, “My wedding cost $6700 and my divorce cost $16425, both were worth it”. I found this one funny but sad at the same time. Marriage is supposed to last forever and it obviously cost quite a bit to have the wedding of your dreams. But if the marriage doesn’t work the wedding of your dreams seemed to have cost a lot less then the divorce process you have to go through. The divorce for this particular person cost about 10,000 dollars more than the wedding itself. In the end she believed that both things were worth it which shows that there must have been some good times but the bad times overruled the good ones. Intimacy was in the relationship at one point but it had to have broken away from that after some time.

I looked at the postsecret site. I know the guy who started it was at UNI earlier this year because a friend of mine went (I had to work so I couldn’t go). It was really interesting overall but I almost feel as though I have been exposed to so much violent media that I wasn’t as shocked as I could have been. The two that really got to me was one about how from the sister’s point of view, how when her brother committed suicide that he also took her with him. The one that really shocked me was on one of the videos posted on the website. It was set up where people on the street where asked to share their secrets. In one part it is a girl and a guy telling their secrets they were withholding from the other. It killed me that the girl’s secret was that she had books of love poems to this guy and yet his secret was that he ran over her cat. Something she obviously didn’t know because she thought her cat was just missing. This probably just got to me the most for two reasons; one – this girl’s secret is kind of sweet (if he likes poetry) and yet he did this terrible thing to her, and two – all hope of her finding her cat or it coming home just went out the window. I have always grown up with a cat in my house so I felt really bad that she just found out this dreadful thing.

When I was exploring the site, I wandered into the PostSecret community and was looking at the Best Of’s. I found one that involved the user confessing that one of the secrets used was theirs. The one used was about how that person was raped and having a lot of sex to devaluate it so they could feel less sensitized to what happened to them. Site: http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat/viewtopic.php?t=66578. The shock came when I started looking through the 37 PAGES of comments. So many other people had either gone through the same thing and/or were offering support to this one person they have never met. It was kind of heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. Here was someone who had gone through an awful experience, but was able to find comfort in admitting what had happened and finding support from complete strangers. I think that PostSecret allows people different levels of autonomy. They chose how they present their secret (video, postcard, etc.) and then later they can also chose to go on the website and start a chat or take part in one. By taking part in the chat they can use their real name or another if they are not completely comfortable with saying who they are just yet. But of course the first decision they make is to send the secret at all and expose it to the world, even when they know that they will all be anonymous.

It kind of makes me think two things; one – this exposes people’s real motivation, and two – how many more people could this help. Some of the secrets I was a little surprised that people were that conscious of. Some people were very conscious of what they were doing like only loving someone for reasons that didn’t relate to the other person for who they were. And others that were much more sexual in nature. Some were just really sad also and others were really nice. It kind of took examples of all types of motivation when it came to desires and feelings. From looking at the chat that I have the link to post above, I wonder who many more people can be helped by things like this. So many came out to support one person who found the courage to really expose themselves and what they had gone through. Some posts where so encouraging of how things can get better after something like rape and how that person can find love and happiness. But what made it meaningful was that these posts were of people who understood firsthand what this girl went through and could relate.

I chose to take a closer look at OneSentence.org and was very surprised by a lot of the statements that were on the website. I think the aspect that was most surprising was that people were able to describe and allow the audience to realize how embarrassing, harmful, or depressing one event or situation could be in just one sentence. No extra explanation or description was needed, that one sentence would allow me to feel potentially just a fraction of what they experienced.
One statement "I realized I was lonely when I started kissing the sides of my fish tank to say goodnight to my fish," definitely "stuck out" to me as a post that was related to psychological needs discussed in class. This person is displaying a high need for relatedness because they are so driven for interaction or affiliation with someone that they've created a friendship with their fish. It seems as if they haven't had the opportunity for friendship or relationships with others and have resorted to this relationship with the fish.
Another statement, "The soup kitchen I volunteered at as a teenager is now my only source of 3 meals a day," pertained to a different psychological need that had been discussed in the textbook. This person seems to be feeling embarrassment for receiving meals at the soup kitchen he or she used to help out with at a younger age. The embarrassment could be from the need for autonomy, that this individual used help those in need as a teenager and is now having to rely on that service for food as an adult.
Another statement, "Out of all the things I've done in life, teaching my once abused shelter cat how to play might be what I'm the most proud of," had elements of another type of psychological need. The person is feeling accomplished in regards to their abilities, which is a display of their need for competence. This individual had the opportunity to do something that they felt was important to them and utilized their skill set, which portrays their motivation driven from the need to feel competent or accomplished in regards to their capabilities.

Looking at the secrets on post secret overall made me, as strangely as this sounds, really happy and really sad. It was sometimes hard to see the hard times people are going through especially when thinking about them not having anyone to turn to and talk about their situation with, but at the same time the fact that they can share their personal stories and feelings and even hear positive, caring feedback from complete strangers is pretty touching. I think it is amazing for so many others to have the opportunity to share and/ or see the struggles or disappointments other people may be going through and maybe feel not so alone. On the other hand, these secrets show a great example of how each individual is so unique. These secrets really make me realize there are so many individual experiences, and even battles going on within each and every individual’s life that I may never understand or know about.

I thought the most interesting and personal secrets were those having to do with a lack of relatedness. For instance, the secret “I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with, and a friend to talk to about it.” This person is obviously lacking positive interactions with certain figures in their life, and hasn’t yet created those social bonds important for satisfying relatedness needs. What I thought was most interesting about this post however, was the comment below it saying “No, you don't. I have all three and feel more alone than ever.” This is a great example of how even though interactions are important in forming relationships, it is the quality, not the quantity of these relationships when it comes to them having a positive impact on satisfying our psychological need of relatedness. Another secret I read was one about a woman who was not invited to her sister’s wedding because she was a lesbian. I think this is an example of someone who is sadly lacking that communal relationship with her sister who does not seems concerned about supporting her welfare, but seems actually unconcerned and neglectful. I hope this person has other social bonds that satisfy her psychological need of relatedness.

PostSecret is my favorite website of all time but reading them after gaining the knowledge that I have over this semester, I look at this website with a new perspective. I have always thought that this website was a great way for people to express themselves and lessen the burden of their problems, whatever they may be. But now, after reading our textbook, it is almost fun to read through the secrets and try to make sense of what is written on the post cards. Of course, we will never know what is really the problem but here are some of my guesses of a few that really struck my fancy:
1. " I only date guys with cool shoes" is a secret that I found on the website. This secret reminded me of my friends that are very materialistic. To me, it shows a need of affiliation. Not really having their own sense of style, but doing what everyone else is doing to be "cool."
2."I love my curves" is another secret that I found on this website. To me, this represented a very confident woman who actually knows who she was, unlike the person on the first secret. In a way, it shows a sense of autonomy. She knows that she has freedom in her choices and that she doesnt have to stick to the norms of the world around us.
3. This is the last secret I found "That is the moment when I should have told you I love you. I hope you have taken the time to find someone to talk to. My hope is resting on that." Of all the secrets I found, this one seemed to have a bigger impact on the author's life. Whatever and whomever they are talking about must have meant a lot to them. To me, the author longed for a sense of intimacy with whomever they were discussing in the secret. It appears to me, that the author betrayed the subject and is now wishing that they could undo it.

When I visited onesentence.com I read a lot of ones that I thought were really weird. The ones that I read on Post Secret were pretty depressing; a lot of them were not enjoyable to read. It made me think about how many people in this world suffer from mental disorders or don’t have a job or don’t make enough money to support their family. One sad one that jumped out at me was on One Sentence and it was “the soup kitchen that I volunteered at as a teenager is now my only source of 3 meals a day”.
One said “I realized I was lonely when I started kissing the sides of my fish tank to say goodnight to my fish”. This sort of made me laugh at first, but it shows that this person is lacking in their need for relatedness. They obviously feel like their fish are the only form of a warm and affectionate relationship because they don’t have anyone else to kiss and say goodnight to. Another one read “I learned that night that sometimes when a person threatens to commit suicide, they aren’t bluffing”. This one was really freaky. Obviously the person who committed suicide was lacking a few psychological needs. Many times people who commit suicide feel alone and that there is no one in the world on their side or who cares about them. This would definitely be a lack of the psychological need of relatedness. Also, I am sure anyone who commits suicide is probably lacking in many more psychological needs.
One that showed the psychological need for competence was this one: “After seventeen years of feeling like a disappointment to my mum, and writing a story about how she screwed my life, nothing feels as good as deleting the story after over hearing her exclaim to strangers about how proud she is of me.” This one shows that after hearing what her mom said, her need for competence was restored. What is key here is that the feedback from her mother made her feel competent. This positive feedback bolstered her perception of competence.

I have never been to either of these websites and I really enjoyed reading everyone’s posts. I really like that there is such a variety of different postcards and blogs, some are really funny and some are really sad. It makes you realize how much you do have in common with other people around the world. A lot of them also made me realize how much I do have. Sometimes I feel like my life has so many unexpected twists and turns that I don’t know how to handle, and these websites made me remember that a lot of people go through the same thing and much harder things. Both of these websites are good reminders that no matter what you go through in life, you are not alone. There are so many people in this world that you can relate to without even knowing it. Everyone faces obstacles, feeling alone should never be one of them. So many people care and everyone has the same need and desire for intimacy and relatedness just as you do.
“love
Finally, I realized that what he wanted - even more than to walk - was to be kissed, so I climbed onto his wheelchair and I did it.”
This is a great example of a person’s need for intimacy. Whoever wrote this on onesentance.com obviously lacked their physiological need for intimacy. And I do think that most people would agree that they would choose a close, intimate relationship over something physical, such as walking. In order to live a satisfying life, a person truly needs to feel love and connectedness. Everyone needs someone that they can talk to about anything, someone to be there with them through the good times and the bad. When people lack intimacy, they begin to lack their motivation to do anything with their lives. Close relationships push people to do better and to want better for themselves. When you have someone believing in you, you believe in you.
“in 2010 there were a lot of days when I wanted to end it all. Instead I came here. Thanks Wait.”
This postcard shows how powerful relatedness is. Just knowing that you have so much in common with other people can save a person’s life. Whoever this was that sent this, wanted to end their life but instead went to this website in order to not feel alone. This website gave this person enough motivation to make it through their next day, it gave them the empowerment to continue on with their lives making it the best that they could be.
“Sam
The Soup Kitchen that I volunteered at as a teenager is now my only source of 3 meals a day.”
This blog shows that Sam, or whoever wrote this, was lacking in the physiological need of hunger and thirst. It would be extremely difficult for a person to go to a soup kitchen for food and a drink, when they know it was one they once volunteered at. But, food and drinks are a necessity in order to survive. This person’s physiological need was enough to motivate them to go to the soup kitchen to satisfy their hunger and thirst.

My experience reading these posts was both good and bad. I laughed hysterically at some, and even made my boyfriend get up and come read some. However, I found a lot of them to be sad and depressing. I noticed that when I read the sad ones my hear actually ached for these people. I think these websites are amazing. They are a great outlet for people who have secrets or funny statements they want to share. I am glad there are funny ones on the websites too because if they were all sad I don’t know if I would have enjoyed reading through them. They really make you think about how the person writing the post or sentence might feel. One post I found on postsecret was “I aim to be friends with people I am jealous of; once I get to know them I realize they really aren’t that great”. I believe the first part of this sentence is an example of the need for relatedness. Relatedness is a psychological need that is defined as wanting to belong and have close and warm relationships with people. I believe this is an example of relatedness because the person who wrote is obviously goes out of her way to create friendships, even though the motivation behind it may not be very healthy. I mainly like this post because of the second part. I feel like a lot of people beat themselves up because of jealousy. But as the post explains, the people you are so jealous of are just human too.

Another example I found was from Onesentence. This post is sad and really makes you take a step back. The post is “The Soup Kitchen that I volunteered at as a teenager is now my only source of 3 meals a day.” First of all, it deals with intrinsic and/or extrinsic motivation. Because this person was volunteering they were either experiencing intrinsic motivation, which is the notion that people get involved in tasks because they seek out to master challenges, or they could be extrinsically motivation. For example, they could be getting certain privileges taken away by their parents because their parent believes they should volunteer and if they don’t they will punish them.

While I had never gone to the PostSecret website before, I have heard of it, especially because of the PostSecret event on campus. I knew it was very popular, and going to the website made it clear why. It really is addictive viewing others secrets. I was shocked by the things people were saying. There were things that made me laugh, like “I miss Lost more than I should.” But most of the cards sent in made me really sad. Everything was very personal and it was almost an honor to be in on all these strangers secrets. An RA in Noehren made a bulletin board this last month to go along with the PostSecret event, and the residents could make their own PostSecrets and put them on the bulletin board. This was one of the most popular and talked about bulletin boards I have ever seen. People seem to jump at the chance to let people in on their secrets anonymously, and likewise people really like being told these secrets. After viewing this website I can be included in this. I even went to the PostSecret archives to look up more. Looking through all the people’s secrets makes me think how desperate we humans are to divulge our secrets and let others know what we have been hiding deep inside.
One example is the card that reads “I aim to be friends with people I’m jealous of…once I get to know them, I realize they really aren’t that great.” This is an example of the need for affiliation. This need is rooted in the fear of interpersonal rejection. Those who have a high need for affiliation tend to come off as “needy” and are often less popular than people with low affiliation needs. The person who sent this in appears to have a high need for affiliation. He/she is jealous of many people and strive to become friends with as many people as possible. When the person gets to know the people, they realize these people aren’t that great, but still feel the need to be friends. This is an example of a high need for affiliation.
A second example is the card that reads “I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with, and a friend to talk to about it.” This is an example of the need for relatedness. Relatedness is the psychological need to establish close emotional bonds and attachments with other people. It reflects the desire to be emotionally connected to and interpersonally involved in warm relationships. This person has a need for relatedness. He/she wants several close relationships that they don’t have – a person to cheat on, someone to cheat with, and most importantly a close enough friend to tell everything to. Without these people the person has a need for relatedness, the need for close emotional bonds and attachments with other people.

This is not the first time I've encountered either of these websites. My first encounter with one was years ago in a B&N. I remember loving the project immediately, because there was a time in my life where I could have used something like that.

I think they're brilliant. There are a lot of secrets that people don't feel comfortable talking to others about, and they can weigh heavily, or crush. These websites and the internet itself is capable of fulfilling [b]social needs [/b] for people who either aren't good in traditional social situations or who aren't comfortable.

The anonymity of both allows one to express [b] intimate [/b] issues without linking themselves to it. It's really a kind of a false intimacy, but it seems to be enough because the website works. People do tell their secrets and show sides of themselves that they would never show in meatspace.

The postsecret stating "I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with and a friend to talk to about it" struck me as really out there. I didn't really understand it at first, to be honest. It shows a startling degree of [b] isolation[/b], and intimacy seeking behavior but the infidelity threw me. Why would someone who doesn't want to be alone do something that could put a relationship at risk. After a bit of thought, I considered the possibility of a self-esteem issue that probably contributes greatly to the isolation.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1bMnv1mUZ50/TpprNll82eI/AAAAAAAAQI0/gQ_iV8Uz-BE/s1600/onback.thetroubleisidontthinkihavethekindoflonlinessthatotherpeoplecancure.jpg

My experience reading these made me realize how many people have secrets in this world. Most of them being heartbreaking to read, but some with a little amount of humor. I was saddened after reading most of the posts on one sentence. Most are about rape, coming out, or living a ‘fake’ life that society doesn’t approve of. They reminded me that I need to be kind to everyone no matter what because I probably don’t know everything they are going through.
Autonomy is the desire of choice and decision making. On Onesentence, I found “when getting out of the car for a family session with the psychologist, my husband said ‘okay, now everyone act normal!’” This is an example of autonomy because it is volition or the unpressured willingness to engage. In this case it is a coerced way to engage versus a free way to engage. No one in the family has the choice of showing the psychologist how they really act in fear that they may get in trouble or some other underlying reason. Autonomy support enhances engagement because it involves and satisfies the need for autonomy. There is no autonomy support in this situation because engagement is discouraged. I also found “after her surgery, she couldn’t even speak English anymore, but she still remembered my birthday.” This is an example of competence; the need to be effected in interactions with the environment and reflects the desire to exercise one’s capacities and skills to seek and master optimal challenges. For the person going through surgery, she has a need for competence. Despite her loss of communication, she remembered other things to show that she wasn’t a complete loss in regards to her situation. I also found “when I pull out of the teacher’s parking lot with the convertible top down and hear all the kids screaming my name, I feel like a rock star” is an example of relatedness. Relatedness is the need for close emotional attachment. This teacher has a need for relatedness when a simple thing such as hearing her name makes her feel good. Involvement enhances engagement because it satisfies the need for relatedness. This person is involved in that she is a teacher and engages with her students and feels a sense of relatedness when they recognize her outside of the classroom. In contrast, “I realized I was lonely when I started kissing the sides of my fishtank to say good night to my fish” also has a high need for relatedness because they don’t have any relationships. They develop a relationship with a pet that cannot communicate or reciprocate feelings. Because our need for relatedness is so great, people develop a bond with anything they can if they don’t have people to connect with.

I am officially addicted to post secret and one sentence! I had a wide range of emotions that I experienced after reading people’s posts. Many of the posts were humorous and made me laugh. However, there were also many serious and upsetting posts that made me cry. I thought the websites were an awesome way for people to speak their mind and gain support or feedback from others. The webpage’s were a great example of the psychological need of relatedness because people shared their thoughts/stories and many gained support or positive feedback from others, developing a social bond.

Autonomy is described as a need for personal control over the initiation and regulation over one’s behavior. An example of Autonomy that I found was a post that stated, “I am Christian. I masturbate. I don’t feel bad about it.” The individual has complete control over that behavior and has a sense of perceived choice. The individual also mentioned that they don’t feel bad about masturbating, which ties into the concept of volition. Volition is an unpressed willingness to engage in an activity. An example that suggested that the individual was lacking autonomy stated, “ I had a dead squirrel in one hand, a screaming child in the other, soon replaced with cake, and then I realized that my life had taken an odd turn.” Judging my the statement, the individual feels that she has a lack of control over the events in her life, which can create a need for autonomy. A third example showing a lack of autonomy was a statement made by TobeFree, “ Every time I look at our baby boy, I am reminded of how much I don’t want to do this. Since the individuals screen name is TobeFree suggests that the individual is feels a lack of control over one’s life or a feeling that they cannot make their own choices in their life. Also after having a child, an individual is required to focus their attention on the baby instead of themselves, so in a sense the baby’s needs control the choices they make.

The previous example posted by ToBeFree is also an example of a need for relatedness. Relatedness is described as the need to develop close social bonds. Clearly, the mother has not developed a close social bond with her son since she stated that looking at her son reminded her of how much she didn’t want to do this, suggesting that she didn’t want to be a mother. Another example of the need for relatedness stated, “ I realized that I was lonely when I stated kissing the sides of my fish tank to say goodnight to my fish.” Since the individual made the comment that they were lonely, it suggests that the individual is lacking close social bonds in their life. Another example states, “ It wasn’t the sex that proved she loved me, it was the first time she slept with me without having sex that I knew she would be the one.” The statement suggests that the individual has a deep compassion for their significant other and has developed a close social bond, which also relates to the need to intimacy. The need for intimacy is described as engaging in warm, close, interpersonal relationships.

Competence is the need to be effective in one’s environment. An example that displayed a need for competence was “The soup kitchen that I volunteered at as a teenager is my only source of three meals a day.” The individual was unable to effectively interact with their environment, creating a lack of money to purchase food, resulting in them having to eat at the soup kitchen. Another example stated that “ One year later, and I still haven’t told you that dinner with you on our first date was a major step to recovering from my eating disorder.” The individual was able to gain motivation from the dinner to motivate her to overcome her eating disorder and effectively interact with the environment by using the available resource of food effectively.

When I was reading the blogs on here I thought multiple things about the website. During the blogs I felt sad reading some of them and I thought some of them were funny because they were so random. The first thing I thought that it was sad because a lot of them sound like they are lonely people or people who have broken family life or relationships. Also, it made me think that this website is just very random stuff too because there was posts on there that come out of total left field that didn’t match the theme of most of them that are kind of depressing. There was an example that I feel highly related towards, “My brother has anger issues. He use to shove and hit me. Everyone told me that’s just how siblings are. No one would listen to me how bad it was. Siblings may fight, but not like this.” The post continues on with someone with a similar background and how they both have heavy drinking fathers and their brothers are turning into bad people. While reading this post I thought that the person wanted relatedness and love. That they still love their brother, but gives off they want a more relatedness interaction that normal siblings have instead of physical abuse all the time. The next one I read thought was funny, but made me think that it was highly related to autonomy. The quote is “I am a Christian, I masturbate, I don’t feel bad about it.” I thought it was funny and made me think that this person has control over their life, instead on letting religious belief control everything that they do. So I felt a strong sense of autonomy when this person posted this up.

I was introduced to post secret a month or two ago by a friend. We attended the seminar that was held at UNI. I know what to expect; yet, every time I read it I am still taken aback and shocked at the postcards. I continually think about how many people there are in the world and all the secrets everyone holds inside them. After reading post secret, it brings out a lot of emotion. Even though you may not be able to personally relate to the post, it brings a sense of concern for society. It makes me want to be able to help all of them. It also intrigues me to know about their situation or story behind their post card. It makes me think about the pain and tragedy that others are going through on a daily basis. It makes me realize how blessed I am to have great friends that care about me, or a childhood that was extraordinary compared to most.
The first statement I found interesting was “I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with, and a friend to talk to about it.” This person is striving to fulfill their void of relatedness. Relatedness is the desire for the need to belong and obtain friendships that hold value. From this quotation, they are having a hard time finding that person to satisfy those needs. In some cases, you may assume that this person is struggling to find a relationship that is communal, which is a relationship where both care about each other.
Autonomy was exerted in the post, “I am Christian. I masturbate. I don’t feel bad about it.” Autonomy is the need to determine our actions without environmental constraint forcing us to act in a particular way. As Christians, most people would be ashamed at this action because of the belief imposed on them in this religion. However, we can see that they do what they want, whenever they want, without regard for outside factors, which clearly shows their high autonomy in their life.

What was your experience reading these? How do they make you feel? How do they make you think? Choose a couple of examples (provide them in your comment) and describe in detail how they reflect the presence or absence of a particular psychological need. Justify your answer by providing evidence from the book about that psychological need, and you linking it to the secret or OneSentence you've chosen.

I chose to look at the website www.postsecret.com, which I will say is extremely interesting. I suppose learning about the whys and whats of how people are feeling are why I am a psychology major. Even though many times it is utterly awful, I am interested to see what people say. A few of the most recent posts were especially interesting.

The first of these was the postcard talking about how he wishes he had someone to cheat on, a lover to cheat with, and a friend to talk about it. The reading of that really caused me to think. How can some people really want that in their life? Why not wish for a significant other who makes you not want to cheat? Or wish for your significant other to be your lover? Or for a friend who you can talk about the joys of life, and other stuff that may stress you out? To me that is the most desirable, but I have a higher need for relatedness than this person does. As far as I can tell, the person in question has a higher need for autonomy than anything else. He or she does not want to talk to a friend for advice or support; they merely want someone to talk to about the cheating that is going on in their life. To ask for advice would negate the feeling of autonomy, or so one would think. This person just wants to do whatever they please, whenever they please, with whomever they please. They want to show off their independence and not be held down to anything, but they don’t want it to be because they are on their own. He or she wants to show that they have other people in their life that they are completely free from, perhaps to even lord their alleged autonomy of the others’ life.

Another possible take on this postsecret is that this person also has a high need for relatedness, but is incredibly, utterly lonely and has forgotten what true relatedness is. All they want is people in their lives. At least, that’s one potential viewpoint.
The response to this also spoke to me. In an email, someone wrote, “No, you don’t. I have all three and I feel more alone than ever.” This is someone who thought that having those three things would ease their need for relatedness. It didn’t happen. It made them realize just how along they were. True love is the willingness to fully commit to someone (at least how I see it), and this person did neither. True friendship is the willingness to open up your heart to someone and trust them to take care of it (non-romantically of course). Again, this person talked to someone about the partner and lover, but not what was truly on their mind. I hope the moved on from this, and have since had their need for relatedness fulfilled.

Another secret that relates to relatedness is the one that says “I aim to be friends with everyone I am jealous of…once I get to know them I realize they really aren’t that great…” This reminds me of another quote, “A friend is someone who knows you, but loves you just the same.” This person has totally missed the point of relatedness. I would say they value competence over it, but have a rather low opinion of their own competence so need to talk to others to make them feel better about their selves. I wish I would be able to actually talk to these people.

I enjoyed reading the entries on both sites. The Post Secret entries seemed to be more confessional, which gave me a sense that nobody is really “normal.” We all do, think, and feel things that we keep hidden because we are afraid of being judged or perceived in a way that is different from how we want to be perceived. That being said, I like that the Post Secret site allows dialogue/exchange between the poster and other readers. In particular, the Clinical Psych student who realized he was not alone in his fears of his own mental illness issues getting in the way of his future in the field. That was a very powerful exchange that totally changed how everyone in that class interacted and opened up to each other. The social and educational dynamics totally shifted because of that one risk of honesty.
I feel as if I had a personal response to more of the entries on the One Sentence Stories site. I wrote down several that made me laugh out loud, stop to think, or simply nod in agreement with. Many of the entries addressed issues that I am thankful to have never had any experience with (drug abuse by a parent, physical or sexual abuse, accidental death, war, divorce, etc.). At the same time, it made me realize that having not had to deal with any of these things, I should be a perfectly well-adjusted individual, and yet I have my own set of issues that I struggle with. And don’t we all? It’s almost as if no matter what a person’s circumstances are, SOMETHING will cause that person to struggle in some way! Poor us!
The one entry from the Post Secret site that resonated the most with me was the one that said, “I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with, and a friend to talk about it.” And then the email response that said, “No, you don’t. I have all three and feel more alone that ever.” Both of these entries are addressing the psychological need for Relatedness, which is defined as “the need to establish close emotional bonds and attachments with other people, and it reflects the desire to be emotionally connected to and interpersonally involved in warm relationships” (p. 162). While the original entry sounds a bit superficial and selfish, it identifies the three levels of needs that we all have: the need to feel secure (partner), liked and accepted (lover), and able to mutually support and care for others (friend). However, the email response indicates that if one goes about meeting these needs without delving into deeper, more emotionally involved communal relationships, our need to feel connected will not be satisfied. I have often heard it said that you can be alone but not feel lonely, but be lonely while surrounded by others. While I would argue that we must first value ourselves before we look to our associations/relationships with others to give us our sense of self-worth, our textbook states that, “Emotions such as sadness, depression, jealousy, and loneliness exist as telltale signs of a life lived in the absence of intimate, high-quality, relatedness-satisfying relationships and social bonds.” I’m not exactly sure how to reconcile those two ideas, because not all of us are lucky enough to have that one, special “best friend” to satisfy that need, but that doesn’t mean we are doomed to psychological relatedness deprivation!
The post from One Sentence Stories that struck me the most was by Sheryl, who wrote, “When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, ‘The person I hoped I’d be by this point in my life.’” The Psychological Need that I feel this corresponds best with is Competence. By definition, a sense of competence is felt when we develop skills and improve our capacities, talents, and potential, and seek out and master optimal challenges. I can relate to Sheryl, who feels like the person she has become is not the one she had set out to be, and she’s not quite sure what exactly went “wrong.” (To be fair, I wouldn’t necessarily say “wrong,’ just “different.”) Based on the original question, she feels a sense of something being “missing,” which obviously implies that a need is not being met. Somewhere along the line, her sense of competence began to wane, and instead of grabbing ahold of the reigns and redirecting her autonomous, competent self, she let her life drift in a way that eventually made her feel like she’d lost control. Perhaps she experienced circumstances beyond her control that kept her from staying on her ideal life path. Perhaps she didn’t have enough supportive, positive feedback or the guidance she needed to feel confident, competent, and autonomous enough to maintain her heading. Our text states that “The key environmental condition that satisfies our need for competence is positive feedback and the perception of progress.” To feel like one is drifting aimlessly is the opposite of feeling like one is making forward progress. This also shows that hopes, dreams, and goals are all fine and good, but without the feelings of autonomy and competence fueling our ACTIONS, we will always follow the path of least resistance, which is not likely to lead us to the destination we are hoping for.

I read from both one sentence and post secret and found them interesting. I had never been to either of these sights so I was eager to see what both included. First, I examined the posts from post secret. There were three posts in a row that were all comedic entries, so I was able to have a good laugh about them. I enjoy when people are able to incorporate things into humor, they put me into a good mood. Then there were a few entries that make me question what exactly they were feeling whether the post was actually true or just something they thought others would enjoy reading. The first shocking entry that truly caught my eye was “I cried more when Steve Jobs died than I did @ my grandfather’s funeral”. Assuming this is a valid statement, they had a very low psychological need of relatedness with a family member. This particular post showed me there was a higher need of relatedness between material objects Mr. Jobs had developed in the technology world, than actual physical social bonds with someone in their own bloodline. There may have been more of an engagement between the inventions of Mr. Jobs that caused less involvement between the interactions with the grandfather.
As I scrolled further down the website I noticed one comment about being Christian and masturbating. The person exclaimed they do not feel bad about their behavior even though it’s frowned upon by their religious affiliation. This deals with the psychological need within autonomy. They are performing a self-directed behavior because of choice. The perceived locus of causality allows them to engage in behavior actions initiated by one’s own self. There is also volition because of their freedom of behavior to act in their own manner as compared to what others might say against it. I am able to make this judgment based on the fact they said they don’t feel bad about it. Had they actually said they felt guilt or remorse because their Christian faith beliefs putting pressure on the situation, they would be lacking volition.
There were also very serious messages on post secret that had informative messages that abuse had occurred in their lives. There were two individuals who exclaimed their brothers were both abusive to them and even though there are no apparent scars on the outside, emotionally they were scarred. I felt pity for these two and was saddened by their responses toward one another, but at the same time happy, they were able to communicate relating on a negative event and were determined to overcome the situation to better themselves and stand together. Both were very deep stories. Here is another prime example of psychological needs failing to be achieved growing up. From the perspective of reading their material I imagine all three needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness to be low during the abuse. They both had to undergo the pressures put on them through this unfortunate circumstance. It may not have been for this website that they otherwise wouldn’t have been able to increase the psychological needs. Being able to express to one another about a similar topic showed how they developed a relatedness toward each other that worked in their benefit.

Since I’ve never heard of OneSentence.org, I decided to visit this website. There were some statements that were quite shocking, some humorous and some sad. These few stood out to me on my first visit: (1) When I saw the little red notification at the top of the screen, the last thing I was expecting was a friend request from the man who raped me, (2) When I asked her why he was out of her league her only response was, "Because I know he won't beat me”, and (3) I realized I was lonely when i started kissing the sides of my fish tank to say good night to my fish.

My reaction to the first one hit a little close to home, because I had a friend who experienced something like this. It would make my stomach turn to know a person who had the nerve to do something so wrong to me felt he was in a position to try and be-friend me. I think I would probably start thinking about it and feel very uncomfortable, and that in turn would develop some psychological fears and anxieties. One I saw most common with my friend was a disconnection and numbness to life; it took a lot of courage to overcome.

For the second one, it just shocks me that a woman can feel motivated to stay in violent relationships. This girl’s thoughts about herself were very jaded because she felt she only deserved someone who would treat her badly. I have been hurt really badly by an ex and I tend to have jaded views on relationships in the present, but I still know my own self-worth and what I deserve. Every girl in abusive situations should know they deserve better and worth so much more than what a low-life molds into their head. Learned helplessness is something that stands out to me in these situations, and it's sad that people can be so lifeless about changing their lives for the better.

The third one is a great example of how a person is so desperate for love and relatedness, that they felt the only ‘person’ they had was a fish. Their desperation from relatedness was so intense that they could only assuage their loneliness with a simple little fish. Being a sociable person, it’s hard for me to relate; I couldn’t fathom having no real, concrete person to turn to at the end of the day.

I think websites like these are a good outlet for people release stressing matters. I’ve been in a position where I feel like I just have NO ONE to talk to, and it would help just to write in a journal, because I just need some sort of release to get it off my chest. People also feel awkward about certain things, so it also helps keep anonymity to help release but only let certain people know.

I was actually pretty excited when I saw this assignment. I have been familiar with PostSecret since last year when there was a post in my other class related to the site. I fell in love with it. Reading what other people all around the world think and feel is exhilarating. When I found out that Frank Warren, the guy who started PostSecret, was coming to UNI this fall, I knew I had to go. I have always had one specific secret that I knew I would give him if I ever got the courage to send a secret in, so I went to the show at Gallagher, bought a book, and got it signed. I waited around afterwards and got my picture taken with him too! My friend convinced me to write down my secret, so I wrote the one thing down that I thought I’d take to my grave. The fact that this man can inspire so many people to do what I did that night astounds me! Many of these secrets are things that people think they are alone in, but reading them makes you realize that you aren’t.

The whole idea is based on the psychological need of relatedness, or as the book says “Everyone needs to belong.” (p. 161) This site is a way for people across the entire world to fulfill their need of relatedness. Often times we don’t share secrets with people around us because we are afraid of how they will react, how they will think about us, what they will say, and if they will even still be our friend, so this site allows us to find people who will accept us and be responsive to our needs and care for our well-being. I know for a fact that this site has saved lives. For people to post secrets about hurting themselves or killing themselves on there, that is an obvious cry for relatedness. They may not be getting it in “real life” so the fact that this website exists to satisfy that need, screams volumes about how we interact as humans and the sheer compassion and love that Frank Warren has. The fact that people can write in about the secrets and there is even a chat feature shows that this site itself is a good support of relatedness. The book discusses that in order to support relatedness, there must be a creation of a social bond and that it must be characterized by the perception that the other person cares about your welfare and likes you. Another important characteristic is that it must be known that one’s “true self” is shown and deemed important. It is one thing to tell the secret, but feedback is necessary as the book discusses. Being able to get that feedback from readers allows the author to see that people care about their welfare and like them. It is also obvious, by the very nature of this site, that one’s “true self” is shown, so when people are positively responsive to the secrets, support for relatedness is abundant. It has been known for a long time that while people may not be able to form close, personal relationships with those around them, they can form them with individuals online.

That is the website itself; however, I found one post that really shouted at me.
It reads, “I’m a clinical psych grad student and I find the things we talk about in class triggering, but I am afraid that if I tell someone I will be kicked out of the program.”
I have a personal history with this type of thing and I can completely relate to this post. This person is in obvious need of relatedness. They may have close friends where they live, but if they have something blocking them from completely receiving the support for relatedness that they need, it can be disastrous to their health. I have heard many people say, I would love to be a therapist, but how can I help other people when I do the same things to myself that they do. The thing that they need is relatedness. There was a response to this post where someone explained how they are the same way and they told the class about it, only to find out that the people in the class consisted of a bulimic, anorexic, cutter, someone with separation anxiety, someone with panic attacks, and so on. They said that sharing the secrets allowed them o keep each other safe and have more insightful class discussion and remember that therapists are human too. I think that this response was amazing, because they did this after reading the post and being inspired about it. This response serves to support and fulfill the need for relatedness for the author of the post. They can see that other people care for their welfare, like them, and most importantly, accept them as their “true self”. I honestly started crying when I read this post and response because I think it so deeply exemplifies the need for relatedness. It changed how I think of my past and allows me to see that there are more people like me out there as well as the author of the post. Hopefully fulfilling and supporting the author’s need for relatedness will allow them to breathe easier and know that there are millions of people just like them and that they need not be afraid of who they are or what is going on in their mind. The book mentions that people who are satisfied for relatedness function better, are more resilient to stress, and report fewer psychological difficulties. I really hope this person sees the response and it makes a difference in their life.

As for the other site, One Sentence, I have never heard of it before, but it is very similar to PostSecret minus the artwork. This site says that it posts stories, and if you read in the faqs section, you see that it actually references PostSecret. Under why some posts are unaccepted, it says, “It’s a confession, not a story. I don’t want One Sentence to turn into a lazy man’s PostSecret.” I thought that was strange, because most of the posts here actually sound just like the ones on PostSecret. Maybe I’m not getting what it truly means to say, but I thought it was somewhat rude, which made me a little less liking of the site. On another note, while reading through this site, I felt a mix of emotions. Some were funny, some stupid, some serious, and some sad. Some gave me a sense of sadness and enlightenment. One that struck me here was:

“Because some idiot doesn't know how to label an address, I got a knock on the door from the mailman, which saved my life.”

I think that these kinds of posts are so important relating to the psychological need for relatedness. I have for many years held the philosophy that even one smile can save a strangers life. This post exemplifies that, but in an accidental way. This person may not have had time to complete what they were doing, or it may have been that it showed them that there is at least one person who sees them. If there is even the slightest perception of a social bond, it can fulfill the need for relatedness. Even though this person accidentally talked to them, the fact that they did may be perceived by the person that one person cares and acknowledges them. On the other hand, this could make them feel like their need for competence is not fulfilled. They were not able to successfully complete killing themselves, which later on might make them feel like they are not good at anything. There are multiple levels to this post and it just depends on how you view what they are saying. The one thing that bugs me about this site is that it doesn’t support relatedness in the same fashion as PostSecret. There is no comment or chat feature that I can find, so while people are striving for relatedness, the only way they will get it is if other people write similar stories.

Although I find both of these sites intriguing, I find that I am not that big of a fan of One Sentence. I don’t think it serves to fulfill psychological needs as well as PostSecret and while reading stories is fun, I think secrets are the one thing that seem to really connect people and create a sense of relatedness and love.

I found both of these websites very intriguing, more-so Post-Secret than One Sentence, since Post-Secret is a bit more visually appealing with its artwork than One Sentence. The postcards dealing with infidelity are the ones that I find most surprising, such as one I found that read, “I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with and a friend to talk to about it.” Not really sure why I find them so attractive, maybe because it gives a viewpoint into the person whom is doing the cheating in the relationship instead of the spouse whom is usually seen as being the victim. I believe that many of these notecards have a lot to do with an individual’s psychological need for relatedness and autonomy, especially in the one that I have quoted above. The individual feels the need to voice their inner desires anonymously and in secret and is also hoping to find somebody else out there who may feel the same way. Many of the people whom submit publications to these sites do so so that they may have the freedom of remaining anonymous and yet still be able to feel related and connected to another individual whom may be going through the same thing. On the Post-Secret website there is even an iPhone App that you can download for Post-Secret, and they have uploads from them on the website. This iPhone App must allow you to communicate and reply back to other’s messages. On the website it shows a long conversation between two people talking about physical and substance abuse from a brother. This can be extremely helpful in fulfilling one’s psychological need for relatedness with another individual in helping to link people together through networking. I suppose in one sense that this website could also help facilitate an individual’s psychological need for competence. This can be seen in the visual artwork that many people get very into when using Post-Secret, which is part of what makes Post-Secret much more appealing to me over One-Sentence.