This website is a common theme for my posts, but I really enjoy it's variety of topics about relationships and what not to do.
At www.askmen.com, I found an article about mistakes people make during their first conversations. Everyone needs a source of intimacy and relatedness, and I feel that these are two very strong motivators for being in a relationship. Also, sex can be a strong motivator. How many people can look at a movie start like Megan Fox (or for the ladies, Channing Tatum) and not think, "Damn. Yes please!!!!"
I think that the intensity that these motivators create can be blamed for most mistakes with the awkward first conversation. The drive to succeed with an opening conversation can lead to becoming nervous. Your heart will rate, you'll begin to sweat, and then worry if you smell or not. These nerves can lead to several of these "faux pas".
1) Talking about exes. They're in the past. Let's leave them there. As the article says, the first conversation should be fun. It should leave her interested in you. Make a few corny jokes. It will show her that you're light-hearted.
2) Talking about money. At this place in our lives, most of us are POOR! We're in college. If you're both poor, great. But if you're rich and they're poor, you'll create jealousy. Not a good way to start something. Also, you'll seem arrogant, and she will be wondering why you're not on "Jersey Shore"
3) Flirting too much. Coming on too strong, by being too flirty, is just as bad as being standoffish. By being sincere, you'll stand out by being original. (Here's a tip: this is how you get the "okay" from her friends, too.) Just be real with her, and she's bound to be slightly interested in you.
4) LISTEN!!! Ask her about herself - people generally enjoy talking about themselves - then just relate it back to yourself. Making a conversation with someone involves effort. If you're not going to put any into the first conversation, why would she expect you to put any into a relationship? And how are you any different from the other hundred guys who have showed interest in her that same night? Again, this will make you stand out.
5) Leave her wanting more. This will sound a little odd, but stop the conversation early. Stop at a high of the conversation - not when you're looking for a new topic. She will definitely be interested in talking to you again after this.
Obviously this article is geared as advice towards men. But women, what do you think about this? What do you agree with / disagree with. Do you really think that any or all of this will lead to a fulfilling relationship or is this just a load of crap?
http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_300/378_5-first-conversation-mistakes.html
From a girl’s perspective, I think these conversation starters for the most part are true. I do agree with not coming on too strong, that makes a girl feel like she is suffocated, else it tells her that you get attached to easily and may be too needy for her liking, or any girls for that matter. I also agree with the face about not talking about exes on the first date. I mean it is not terribly bad if you tell someone how long your last relationship was but do not go into the sappy detail, that person is in the past for a reason, plus the other person might feel like they are being compared to your ex or exes for that matter. Furthermore, in my own experience, a guy bragging about how much money him and his family have is a total turn off, because that does not impress me. For one, I am not a gold digger, and I am in it for love period. In addition to this article, Reeve mentions in the text how people need relatedness, which is a psychological need. According to Reeve, “we all want others to understand us for who we are as individuals, and we want others to accept and to value us. We want relationships with others who really and honestly care for our well-being” (2009, p. 161). This is exactly what girls want, or at least me, someone who is going to care for me and be honest with me in order to have a good, maybe long-lasting relationship. If meeting someone new, these conversation tips could work as a success, but I am not so sure about “leave her wanting more” it could make one think that the other person is not that interested in them.
I found this article to be fairly interesting. While I'm not sure how scientific these findings are, I generally do believe that Psychology (Cognitive, Social, And BioPsychology) all have much to contribute to this discussion.
First, I believe it is fairly interesting that studies show women tend to place less importance on looks, yet I often hear women talk about guys' looks a great deal. Personally, I am not yet convinced the discrepancy is that significant, or if it is, then perhaps there is a moderator involved that needs to be explained more fully in depth. Although I am not sure how much we will deal with personal relationships in this course, I suppose looking deeper into such studies would help provide us with a better understanding of what may actually be going on.
I also have never quite fully understood how it is that women have been found to value resources and money (and tend to prefer older partners), but speaking about it is a "turnoff." I believe one reason is that it may make the guy talking about it be perceived as aggressive or controlling. Also, perhaps many women (actually both sexes in general) do not generally want to admit the high value they place on money. We do not want to think of ourselves as selfish or greedy, so openly talking about it could create cognitive dissonance. Our thoughts of ourselves would not quite fit our behavior (discussing money in great detail).
I remember an interesting finding in Social Psychology, which was that for first dates, you should take your date to something like a rollercoaster or scary movie because the physiological activity experienced (increased heart rate, etc.) will potentially be attributed to the new partner rather than the situational context.
This article interested. I agree that first conversations are important. To me they are important because first I go a lot of first impressions in people. I know they tell you not to do that and that first impressions are not always the right impression, but it's just how I am. If I go out with a guy and right away I find his conversation boring, or his conversation makes me uncomfortable I am very unlikely to pursue or agree to a second date. That's just how I am. I am extremely picky. I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years so I don't really experience first date conversations, but I don't think it has to be a date necessarily. I think this can be when meeting anybody. If you go out on a double date with another couple and find yourself bored listening to them or don't have a comfortable feeling with them, we will less likely go out with that couple again. The only problem I would have with going out on a date and first date conversations is I tend to be really shy around new people so I would probably be very shy and quiet, but once I know you I am very outgoing and very talkative. Sometimes too much. I don't think any girl, or guy, would want to hear about exes on the first date. Maybe like how long was your last relationship but probably not into great detail.
Hahahahahaha! I love this. I have always found articles about attraction extremely entertaining. I think the reason I like these is because each of the things they list are usually familiar. Even reading through this piece I was thinking, "oh yeah" or "I love/hate when that happens." I find it interesting that these behaviors are so simple yet it is so difficult that we have to be told just what to do to find a mate! Kind of a funny parallel and this piece reminded me of that.
I found this article to be pretty interesting as well. I am single and have been for a few years which means I’ve been on one too many (bad) dates. The points regarding what to do and what not to do on a first date seemed pretty accurate to me. Talking about exes, especially on the first date is a huge turn off. That shouldn’t matter when you are first meeting someone. If you are still talking about them then you’re obviously not over them, which is a definite red flag. Next, we don’t care about how fast your car can go or the fact that you wear Ed Hardy (at least I don’t). We want a down to earth guy who doesn’t obsess over how much money he spends. It’s called a first date for a reason, so not being overly flirtatious is probably a good idea. Lastly, listening to her and asking questions couldn’t be more important. This is often times a make it or break it deal. You have to have good conversation that flows easily and is not forced. No awkwardness. Overall, I really enjoyed reading what was said about this article. If you are a single man trying to find that special lady, it would be a good idea to put these helpful pointers to use.
This article caught my interest because it discusses the importance of first impressions. I have read several articles about the importance of first impressions and have heard co-workers refer to something as the "7-11 rule". This rule states that during the first 7 seconds, people make 11 impressions about you. These impression basically mean they like you, dislike you, or are indifferent about you. I was unable to find any empirical support backing up this rule but it seemed to have face validity.
This posting is particularly important and interesting to me because I consider these types of strategies while at work. I work as a Marketing Representative for Budweiser and understand first hand how initial interactions are key in interesting others in what you are promoting. At the beginning of my position as a Marketing Rep, I often would try too hard to get individuals interested in our promotion and the majority of the time they would stop being interesting in anything I had to say. I would leave the potential participants feeling unintentionally overwhelmed. This resulted in an awkward silence that was neither beneficial to myself or the individuals who I was trying to entertain. This type of interaction was similar to the above list when it discussed flirting too much. Although my tactics were not often those of flattery, it related very much to the above description.
Eventually after working the position for several weeks, I began to get a feel for what specific things I could say to interest people. I found that if I made my conversation with them simple and to the point, they would often be interested. I also found that highlighting promotions as being cost free and stating that individuals can receive free prizes would increase the likelihood of promotional participation. If I had large prizes that I do not have during my normal promotions, I would be sure to emphasize what they were and state that the item is a rare prize. The fact that individuals could possibly receive a rare prize would result in a higher likelihood of participation. In my Applied Psych class, I learned that the notion of scarcity often motivates to have something that they do not actually need. They perceive it as rare and conclude that it must be important to have.
As highlighted above, interactions between people of different sex is different than people of the same sex. It is important to consider gender differences while on the job so you do not make assumptions about people's particular likes and dislikes and do not generalize behavior inaccurately. Taking into consideration how promotions may be directed differently toward males and females can make a difference in the overall effectiveness of the promotion. Catering to the needs of groups and individuals can have a large impact on whether the promotion is a dud or a great success. Choosing words carefully can create positive emotions in potential participants and motivate them to participate in various promotions.