My friend has been in a pretty turbulent relationship for the past year. For the most part, I'm the "go-to" person when any of my friends have "life crises" - not because I'm perfect or have no problems, but because I'm someone who always answers, will put everything down to listen, and gives un-sugar-coated advice. Recently, after a series of late-night phone calls and hysterical crying sessions, they have decided to break up.
Most of us know that break ups are not a fun process. They're events that we tend to put off as much as possible... I mean, who wants to be "alone" and have to start the whole dating process over again, when we've already revealed our flaws with someone?! And moreover, who wants to finally admit that the relationship they've been working so hard on has failed? Especially when there's that nagging feeling like you're going to regret it!
From this on-going event, I decided that our class curriculum has to have something about motivation, emotion, and break ups. What keeps us in "bad" relationships? What motivates us to feel like it's time to break up?
In our text, chapter 12 discusses the emotions involved with social interaction. The most powerful statement Reeve (2005) writes in this section is, "Joy promotes the establishment of relationships. Sadness maintains relationships in times of separation (by motivating reunion). And anger motivates the action necessary to break off injurious relationships" (p. 351). In fact, for me, this small statement makes relationships seem simple. However, emotions are also what make relationships so complicated and difficult.
In another article (found at: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1029518/why_do_people_stay_in_relationships.html?cat=41), Janet Roof discusses various reasons for why she believes that people stay in relationships when they're unhappy.
Although she gives a series of reasons, I believe that all of her reasons go back to the emotion of fear. For example, some of the reasons are that some people feel like it's better to be in a bad relationship than be in none, it's a life change, money/financial stability, and fear of being alone.
Fear is a very powerful emotion - it's scary to be alone, to change your life and habits, to have to rely on yourself, etc.
However, although this break up is definitely not a great experience for my friend, it has brought us closer... According to Reeve (2005), sharing emotions and emotional experiences allows us to build and maintain relationships with others (p. 352).
What do you guys think of Reeve's explanation about emotions and relationships? Or your own opinions?
In my friend's case, although she has been angry with the way the relationship and both of their behaviors in it, she surprisingly didn't have a break up that ended in a fight - it was calm. So isn't there more than "anger" motivating us to break off relationships?
I definately agree for the most part on this article. I mean everyone knows of someone who is in a bad relationship and they don't see it until they themselves get out of it. I do think fear plays a big role in not wanting to get out of a relationship. One fears, not being able to find anyone better, someone they can connect with on a great level and the worst part of all is having to start over and share all your personal experiences and life stories with someone new. In the long run, it does suck having to start a whole new chapter in your life with some one else, but it could also mean finding your life long partner :)
Alot of breakups do end in anger, well at least mine have. It was hard letting go our first loves, one's you thought you'd always be with and so forth. But I think sadness is the reason we act angry towards others when we break up with someone. Being angry allows us to get things off our chest that we have been building up inside throughout the whole relationship, but once we reach homeostasis those things don't seem to matter as much anymore and we learn to move on. We learn that we don't need those things as much that that person could offer us like love, money, partner etc... we find those qualities in many others and in ourselves. Just like Reeve said in the text, "anger motivated the action necessary to break off injurious relatinships" (pg. 351)